34 going on 10

It takes a long time to become young. (Pablo Picasso)

It is said that a true confession should not be seen by anyone. It should be written down and then buried so deep inside that the core of the earth would burn it and turn it into ashes. We express ourselves on public spaces, pompously claiming we are true and honest to ourselves and to our readers. We do however, choose our words and the information we want to release, carefully. Not too much, not too personal.

I have been trying to exorcise my demons a few times the past week, but to no avail. My attempts of desiccating and isolating my ruminations once more, failed successfully.

I questioned once again the veridicity of this blog and its confessions. I grabbed my pen, striving to squeeze my thoughts through its nib, but each time the result was an indefinable smudge, as the rain would smudge the mascara on the sad face of a woman, who passed her 30s but still believes herself a teen.

To some of us, time was gentle. It imprinted a wrinkle here and there, chipped some of our emotions, but allowed us to keep the heart of a child.

From a psychologist’s point of view, having the heart of a child is equivalent to being emotionally immature, hyperactive and hyperemotional (emotionally too intense for situations when one should be moderate) or having a false independence of willpower (stubbornness).

A mature adult person is emotionally balanced and has emotions that are directly proportional with the intensity of the emotional factor. From the adult’s perspective, the child (over) reacts. A child cries when he/she is in pain. An adult doesn’t. Because the adult has self restraint and learnt that part of the social traits and acceptance game is self control. Sure, as an adult you feel rage, sadness or joy but you just don’t go around splashing your playmate with pea soup, or burst into laughing or tears and give him your favourite toy or stick your tongue out. Bravo! You are a veritable adult, a gem of adulthood, a Cerberus of emotional actions and appetites.

Am neither a scientist, nor a psychologist, but some times I fall into the trap of pseudoscience (psychology that is) and read magazines and books about the most recent “discoveries” about the psyche. This is how I found out that Apfelbaum and Sommers claim there is an inner bigot within us and we choose to “celebrate the power of mind to make hard choices, despite our emotions”. Where will this constant rejection of our true feelings lead? Frustration? Happiness? “Is it possible that willpower is actually an obstacle to happiness and harmony?” Could be. Or not.

During our childhood, our educators (teachers, parents) inculcated us the idea of self restraint. In some societies, emotional honesty is highly appreciated and even recommended. In some others, it is regarded as a mental unbalance. So what is considered normal in the Japanese society (eg: smiling respectfully when you are scolded) is not considered normal in the American society (eg: accepting the scolding, eventually bowing your head, avoiding eye contact). Some cultures even consider expression of emotions as a possible threat to the social order.

While emotional expression is highly appreciated in arts, music, poems, literature and we all pretend to be touched by it, when comes to personal encounter no one wants or needs your emotional expression, even if highly laudable.

Although truth is greatly valued, most of our dissensions are basically generated by the way honesty and emotional expression is perceived in our societies. The emotional sincerity is not always regarded as a virtue, even though was considered ideal by certain societies. In order to socialize properly you need to mask a certain amount of sincerity in social wrapping (you need to be culturally smart for that). So yes, truth is indeed overrated and yes, we are required to lie in order to be socially accepted! Lying about how we feel, about what we think of a certain situation or person. How sad is that? To be accepted means to keep your feelings (positive or not) restrained. We are turning into emotionally mutilated machines as apparently, modern psychologists view sincerity as a construct rather than a moral virtue.

“The emotional reality is therefore taken as subjective: different people are expected to have different emotional worlds and to react in different ways to the same experiences”.

Consequently, we end up liking, falling in love with or disliking another person than we are in reality, as in our insane strive to be socially acceptable we put on a mask we forget to remove and get used to it so badly, we end up forgetting who we are. To be sociable likable and accepted, we lie, thus wrongly setting the basis for a fake and superficial relationship. No wonder 1 in 2 couples divorce, as you never know who you end up taking home. We sleep and eat with people we don’t (want to) know. Emotional truth is more than we can or want to handle. Imagine an ideal world where people express, accept and appreciate their deepest emotions- and they do this just because they are emotionally mature. Isn’t more a sign of immaturity and emotional handicap to reject and hide your true emotions? Were Spartans a society meant to last? Where are they NOW? Imagine this ideal world where men are not turned off when they see an emotional woman, where women don’t have to repress their feelings if they want to climb the career ladder, or don’t think a man is weak if he cries; or men don’t reject a woman as having a split personality because she wanted to please so many people in between.

Do we behave like 10 year olds when we let our emotions run freely? Yes, we do. Do we behave like 10 year olds if we cry when we are in emotional or physical pain? Yes, we do. Does a 10 year old suffer less? Is his pain less genuine? No, it isn’t. Can we even measure pain? Apparently we can, as experts came up with pain thresholds measuring scales. But who allows us to declare that your pain is lesser than mine? Or that you feel pain like a child? No one, as children feel pain too.

So let me introduce myself again. Hi, my name is Diana; I am a 34 year old woman, with the emotional expression of a 10 year old. I cry when I am in pain and I don’t hide it. As "there is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love (Washington Irving). (2009)