Terry M. Helvey, an American sailor, confessed to stomping to death Allen Schindler, a homosexual shipmate. He later on apologized at the court-martial for brutally beating Schindler: "I can't apologize enough for my actions. I am not trying to make any excuses for what happened that night. It was horrible, but I am not a horrible person."
Plato's Apology of Socrates was a self-defense of someone "who corrupted the young, refused to worship the gods, and created new deities". And that would have been a very effective apology, if it was sincere. But, was Socrates sorry for not worshiping the gods? I really doubt that. Socrates apology helped him have the last word in an argument he won on the long term, but momentarily lost along with his life.
So what makes an apology effective enough to make us forgive such deeds? Some studies claim that an effective apology should imply an understanding of the offence, assuming responsibility, acknowledging the pain you created, self-judging the offence you did, showing remorse, and intentions.
Interestingly enough, the word apology derives from the Greek apologia meaning 'a speaking in defense'. The word defense itself can be: a) an euphemism for war or the military, b) a psychological defense mechanism, c) survival techniques against large predators and d) a pleading practice defined to be the denial of the truth or validity of the complaint, and which does not signify a justification.
The bottom line is that, apologies basically mean the act of defending against attack, danger, or injury. When we apologize we rather downplay a new and potential debate/conflict/quarrel. In the animal world, a male monkey that upset the alpha male of the group, apologizes by bending over and showing his bottom in order to divert the alpha male’s aggression and covert it into sexual energy. I know a few people that do this regularly.
Since childhood we are inculcated a set of norms which are supposed to help us fit better. Sometimes, these precious social teachings come in handy. Some other times, they just won’t do. The communication process is such a set of norms. Yet, it is outrageously pretentious to claim that this is universally valid. In spite of the multitude of cross cultural studies with yet local findings, some say apologies are the gluing element of broken relations by restoring the trust.
However, apologies don’t matter much. Quantum Physics claims that the act of observing something changes that very thing. Communication is such a two-way observing process which is defined by an exchange and progression of thoughts, feelings, gestures (kiss, slap, punch, stab- sure murder is an extreme way of communicating to someone you don’t like them) or ideas towards a mutually accepted goal. Communication, pretty much like death, is irreversible. We can't take anything back: not a word, not a gesture and definitely not a feeling. Something changed within us: an idea, a bunch of thoughts, and a gallon of emotions. Sometimes the process goes wrong and one of the parties feels/is hurt. During communication there are several processes that are enacted and the act of apologizing should re-align the good self of the wrong doer with the person she/he has offended with the violated norm (Goffman, 1973).
When we apologize, we speak in defense of a cause, beliefs or actions, trying to justify (explain, find a reason) for our deeds, thus contradicting the very purpose of the apology, which should be the admittance of an erroneous act. Self-defense doesn’t necessarily imply the admittance of a mistaken, error, crime, and offense. Consequently, apologies have no particular importance but they do carry some meaning.
The underlying reason for an apology is not the remorse itself but the forgiveness part. If you think that “the wronged don't distinguish between coerced apologies and spontaneous ones” why apologize anyway? The wronged one doesn’t make the difference and the wrong doer doesn’t mean it.
Forgiveness comes in as many hues as the degrees of hurt – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual (am not even coming close to how and if we should forgive societal atrocities, murder, wars). For that, no apology is accepted. Germany’s apology for the Holocaust doesn’t even come close to being worthy and it is just a diplomatic trick that is worth pretty much nothing. Well, close to nothing as in 1965, Germany signed a treaty agreeing to pay for the Holocaust victims and has paid out over 63.2 billion Euros -including 1.5 billion Euros in direct payments to the Israeli government. Yet, can we say Israelis forgave the Germans? I doubt that. No words or money are good enough. Apologies do not really matter when your family is incinerated in an oven.
Now, medically speaking, forgiveness comes with a nice plate of lower blood pressure and heart rate, a better immune system and a longer life, among others. However, when comes to different kind of traumas, forgiveness is a long life process and might not be the most recommended approach. It comes with an assortment of other dishes: reconciliation, confession, repentance, and penalty. Added to recognition and assuming responsibility, plus material payment it might come close to working.
Nonetheless, a premature forgiveness will lead to the opposite outcome. Some say that if done correctly, an apology can heal humiliation and generate forgiveness. And that a successful apology requires empathy and the security and strength to admit fault, failure, and weakness. So, it is not enough to know how to properly apologize but you also count on the AQ (apology quotient) of the apology receiver.
Anyway, if I err, I apologize.
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