Socializing for dummies

Lesson 1: Never be honest. Deep emotions are laudable but no one needs or wants that kind of intensity.

In order to properly socialize, we need to know how to smoothly and socially lubricate the people we come in contact with. Otherwise said, ‘socialize’ is ‘to make fit for living in society’ (Clausen).

Dang, I thought I was pretty fit to live in society and I have always found the idea of becoming a nun in some ashram highly improbable. Although personally and pragmatically driven, I refuse being labeled as Homo Oeconomicus "which is a totally egoistic, rational omniscient creature who is supposed to accomplish a rational free choice" and I stick to my forehead the “Homo Socialis” label. Sometimes, just “Homo ludens”.

While emotional expression is highly appreciated in arts, music, poems, literature and we all pretend to be touched by it, when comes to personal encounter no one wants or needs your emotional expression, although highly laudable. Agree so far?

As defined by dictionaries (some of them), sincerity is the virtue of one who speaks truly about his or her own feelings, thoughts, and desires. However, sincere expression and honesty carry risks and cause misfortune to the speaker, “since the ordinary screens used in everyday life are opened to the outside world” (Dr. Wikipedia). At the same time, we expect our friends, our lovers, our leaders "to be sincere".

Aristotle says that "truthfulness or sincerity is a desirable mean state between the deficiency of irony or self-deprecation and the excess of boastfulness”.

Now, although truth was highly valued, most of our dissensions are basically due to the way honesty and emotional expression is perceived in our societies. Think about it.

The key concept here is the emotional sincerity which is not always regarded as a virtue, although was considered ideal by certain societies. In order to socialize properly you need to mask a certain amount of sincerity in social wrapping (you need to be culturally smart for that). So yes, truth is indeed overrated and yes, we are required to lie in order to be socially accepted! Lying about how we feel, about what we think of a certain situation or person. There, I said it! To be accepted means to keep your feelings (positive or not) restrained. We are turning into emotionally mutilated machines as apparently, modern psychologists view sincerity as a construct rather than a moral virtue, although certain philosophies suggest us that by surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life.

Some cultures go even further and regard the open expression of emotions as a possible threat to the social order. Remember George Orwell’s “1984”? Hence, the norms are of not-showing personal emotions. One may feel as one pleases, as long as one doesn’t express it. Unless they are “two minutes of hate”.

Honesty, unfortunately, has fallen short to become a cultural norm. Some ideologies have worn away the practice of honesty by imposing their “my way or the highway” kind of truth. I can’t be bothered to give examples but we all think at the same thing.

Some people claim they appreciate honesty and straight-shooting. However, truth and emotional sincerity always backfire, according to the proverb "no good deed goes unpunished". Ask me about it. Men, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, pals, or bosses do no want to hear your version of the truth or honesty. They don’t want to hear about your emotions (“too many details” as our emotionally crippled pals would say- no important name comes to my mind) or your honest version about a certain situation, circumstance or person. Get sad and get over it, just don’t express yourself. Are those who are emotionally honest, also emotionally immature? Don’t think so: as long as we acknowledge a certain state of facts, we identify the range of emotions and we bear the consequences of our “emotional” behavior, we are emotionally mature. Well, that and a bit hyper, maybe. Way too often and way too quickly, we are in a hurry to label people as being out of norms, just because they fail to correspond to some rigid and strict book definitions. Can’t we re-write the books? Can’t we redefine the concepts? Can’t we remove the labels? “The emotional reality is therefore taken as subjective: different people are expected to have different emotional worlds and to react in different ways to the same experiences”. That explains why my Northern American friends are flabbergasted by my emotional honesty. We think they are emotionally handicapped, they think we are emotionally undeveloped. Huh. Who is going to referee?

Lesson 2: Small talk is just small.

“How are you?”, “Are you OK?”, “How is life treating you”? “What have you been up to?”, “shall we have some fun” are just rhetorical questions, meaning no answers required. Now, you still ought to be polite, witty and funny in order to be sociable attractive. So what do you answer when asked “how is life treating you?”

a) Life is great, thanks;

b) If you want fun, go to the circus;

c) Oh well, you know, the world economic crisis affects us all;

d) Life is a bitch which keeps on biting me in the ass;

e) I am still waiting for my ship to come in, let me know when you see the lighthouse;

f) Life is like the hair on the ass, short and full of shit;

Now, if you ever want to socialize again, your answer – as a good obedient and sociable accepted robot should be: a) “life is great, thanks; what about you?” and smile idiotically, showing your new veneers and just nod your head.

Lesson 3: Be romantically and socially intelligent

Specialists say social intelligence is "the ability to understand and manage men and women, boys and girls, to act wisely in human relations".

To be considered smart, you have to have a high IQ (although recent studies give George W. Bush as an example of someone with a supposedly IQ over 120…-no further comment), and be emotionally intelligent and romantically smart, meaning to have the ability, capacity, or skill to perceive, assess, and manage the romantic relationship of oneself with others.

Sure, good looks, big boobs or equally appreciated washboard abs, colorful designer rags and a nice scent in which you marinate might help as well. To be romantically intelligent, however, means to present a specific palette of feelings, which are romantically appealing to a potential mate. So whining about your past, failed relations, dead wife, abandoned husband, post-divorce healing sex encounters is definitely not a good idea, although it might squeeze a tear of two to some sensitive gay bartender with Freudian ambitions who might ask you if you had a happy childhood or had sex desires towards your mom. Become an emotional literate, and you’ll score as often as you please. Also dress to impress and lower your standards.

Lesson 4: Never appear to be who you really are, by restraining your affect display

Sociologists say affect is a factor in emotional development, mood, arousal, and consideration of the present moment.

We will end up liking, falling in love with or disliking another person than we are in reality, as in our insane strive to be socially acceptable we put on a mask we forget to remove and get used to it so badly, we end up forgetting who we are. To be sociable likable and accepted, we lie, thus wrongly setting the basis for a fake and superficial relationship. No wonder 1 in 2 couples divorce, as you never know who you end up taking home. We sleep and eat with people we don’t (want to) know. Emotional truth is more than we can or want to handle.

Don’t fall into the trap of replying the question “Are you OK?” with “No, I am far from being OK”. Don’t admit you are afraid, as courage is not necessarily the absence of fear. It is just a mixture of “personality traits, self-efficacy, hope, resilience, values, beliefs and social forces”. Above all, it is the mother of all virtues. Guess am not that brave, after all.